"How are you doing today?"

One of the blogs that I read regularly, http://asimplejew.blogspot.com/, talked about responding "Not bad" to the question "How are you doing?" He commented that the response embraced "negative feelings," and decided to respond with "Very Good," no matter what. I would argue that "Not bad" may be an achievement under some circumstances.

My Dad died 8 years ago last month. Although he had been sick for a year, in and out of remission, and despite the time I had to prepare myself, I was still devastated. My Dad had always been a role model. Not necessarily a perfect one, but as I grew older I found that I was more and more like my Dad. Needing change to stay excited. He changed careers at least three times in his life, I am on number 3 (that is if you count being a stay at home mom as a career choice.) He had a variety of hobbies in his life and attacked them with gusto. So have I. I am currently boring everyone who comes near me with stories about the quilts I am currently making. The hobby may stick, or three years from now it may have been replaced with something else.

So, back to the point of the blog. When my Dad died, I walked around in a fog for months. I was happy when I felt I could answer "Not bad" when I was asked how I was doing. That was an accomplishment. I still remember the feeling when I changed that to "great". Today, I have a variety of answers, depending on my moods (read the blog on depression.) "Not bad" is one of the answers, "awake" is another. But if I tell you I am great or fine, or doing well, then you know it's true. "Not bad" may be self-perpetuating negative thinking, but some days it is entirely accurate.

Who do you admire? Who is your hero?

Every year around this time, Good Housekeeping Magazine has a poll where readers select the men and women they most admire. I subscribed to the magazine for many years. It didn't make me a better housekeeper, and I'm not sure why I kept the subscription, because some things about the magazine really bugged me, but every year I would look at this survey and feel left out.

They listed politicians, and politicians' wives. Actors and actresses. Athletes, musicians, religious figures, national and international people in the news. But I have a question? Are these really the people we admire most? What do we really know about them? How can we call them our heroes?

Every year, I wanted to write in a name, but I never did. It bothered me a little that I never did, although I doubted whether they would have published my letter anyway, but it would have been nice to see her name in print. You see the woman I admire most has always been my mother.

There are two points of view on that statement. For those who know me, you are probably thinking I admire her for her title and position. My mother recently retired from a senior position in the Canadian Provincial Judicial System. Of course that is part of the reason, but it is how she reached that position, the obstacles she overcame, and how she handled herself on the way, and once she got there, that I admire.

Briefly, she was a woman in law school when women didn't go to law school. She was a Jew in public life, when Jews were still excluded from many areas of public life. She opened doors for women and for Jews. She leaves a legacy on the court of over 25 years of dedicated service. She taught her children that it was possible to have both career and family. She has never missed a special occasion, right down to 8th grade graduations! She loves all her grandchildren and isn't afraid to get down on the floor to play with the little ones. She handles adversity with as much grace as she handles success, and I know she will handle retirement with as much grace as she has handled her working life. I can't wait to see what she does next.

My mother is now, and will always be my hero.

Follow up to the German Sex Trade question

There is a great deal of controversy about whether Germany really would "force" a woman into the sex trade against her will. It appears from roughly translated articles in German newspapers (so much for machine translation) no woman would be pushed into the business if it wasn't her wish, and no woman would lose benefits because she refused to go. That is, of course, what every woman wants to hear.

Now for my enormous caveat. Governments all over the world are similar. Rules are established, and unless codified, exceptions are hard to implement, let alone enforce. I hope Germany has codified the exemptions required to allow a woman to avoid being forced to work in a sex based industry or lose unemployment benefits.

In the last year I have read several stories about the results of the enforcement of US deportation laws. Children, who were adopted as infants by US citizens, but who never finished the citizenship process, can now be deported after age 18 for conviction of non-violent crimes, back to the country of birth, even though they have no family there, no means of support, and have never spoken the language. Reason? It's the rules!!

Let's hope there are no cases where an "officious" un-employment officer decides to enforce the rules!

Therapy: the Useful, the Difficult, and the Painful

Depression, even situational depression, can be overwhelming. Chemicals work, but they aren't the complete solution, and I believe you need to try your hardest not to make them a permanent solution. For that reason I have been working with a therapist for a while now. I think it has helped, to a point. I came in with a number of issues, and I've chipped away at them one at a time until only one is left. But that one seems to be made of stone, or a giant ball of yarn.

Imagine a huge ball of yarn. Now imagine unwinding the whole ball, and leaving it with a room full of kittens for several days. Now, imagine trying to untangle the mess, one string at a time. The frustration level is high. You keep looking for a starting place, but all you get are more loose loops. If you could find a real start, then you could start making a difference, but all you can do in the meantime, is try to loosen all the knots you find, and not let any new ones form.

Think of me, loosening knots....